Bachelor Auctions aren't that bad
by OnlineFisher
Summary: Here comes Mr. fifty in our bachelor auction 'Colonel Jack O'neill'
1. Default Chapter

Title: Bachelor auctions aren't that bad.   
  
Author: SJ  
  
Email: SnkNJak@yahoo.co.uk  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own, or even pretend to own Stargate or any of the characters, they belong to Gekko, MGM. So on and so forth. This Fic was made for entertainment purposes only; I get no money for any part of this.   
  
Rating: PG  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Summery: The title sums it up pretty well I think.  
  
Warnings: none  
  
Authors notes: as I read over this again I noticed I have a bit of trouble with past and present tense, hopefully its not that noticeable. I also don't really know much about bachelor auctions so please don't feedback to tell me I got it wrong.  
  
Jack held his breath, what had he been thinking? Jonas was right, carter was evil.  
  
He couldn't believe it " I can't believe it" damn carter, damn SGC, damn Charity!  
  
This had all started yesterday when carter bumped into me in the hall, knocking my paper work (which I finally got round to dong) all over the floor  
  
**Cue wobbly screen and cheesy music**  
  
"Carter"  
  
"Sorry sir"  
  
She bent down to help me pick up them up, lucky for her there wasn't much to pick up or all hell would have broken loose. It took me all afternoon to finally complete those reports.  
  
Once all of the folders where safely in my arms again, carter asked   
  
"Paperwork?"  
  
"Yeah, I thought I'd get it done before Hammond sent me on toilet cleaning duty" that rewarded me with one of her brilliant smiles.  
  
"So where were you going in such a hurry"?  
  
"Oh, err I'm off to see Janet, were organizing the auction"  
  
"Ah yes, the bachelor auction, many bachelors..." quick think "...to be sold" I mentally slapped myself. She laughs and replies   
  
" Yes, we've got forty-nine, we need one more, want to be number fifty"  
  
"Yea, when hell freezes over"  
  
"Come on sir it'll be fun and besides it's for a good cause" hmm think I'll ignore that last bit.  
  
"I wouldn't call humiliating myself in front of a bunch of people fun, would you?" You know, for a second I really believed that she would say yes.  
  
"No I guess not" she paused, probably trying to come up with a new tactic.  
  
"Well you would be helping raise some money and I'm sure you'll get lots of bids" Ah flattery will get you no-where Major, hmm have to think of a good come back, I know   
  
"Oh I know I'll get tons of bids, problem is I wouldn't want the others to look bad no would I"  
  
"So is that a yes"  
  
"It depends, are you going to be bidding" oh my...did I just say that?! Ok don't panic she's smiling, oh no, red alert she's getting closer.  
  
"I may make an exception" she whispered. I can so not believe she just said that, she's flirting with me, ok smile... there we go.  
  
"I guess I'm in then" No! No! NO! Why oh why couldn't I keep my big mouth shut, I could of taken a few more second to think but no... This woman can read me like a book!  
  
*End the flash back*  
  
So that's why I'm here, Stood on a make shift stage, Being bided on like a Antique piece of furniture. That is not the worst part, No it gets worse, I just happened to be up just after the new major to the SGC. The one that every woman in this place stares at he walks past.  
  
I have been standing here for what seems like eternity but has been about two minutes and have only gotten a bid of a hundred and sixty yet.  
  
Where is carter? I don't want to get stuck on a date with someone I don't know, that I'll spent the entire night trying to come up with conversation an being bored out of my mind...  
  
"Sold"  
  
What, Oh NO, Who got me?  
  
~~~  
  
Ok One foot in front of the other, "just calmly make your way over to that nice man over there who will tell you who bought you" *your talking to yourself again, Bad Sign! *  
  
"Hey so who's the lucky lady" Oh don't look confused, do I really have to explain.  
  
"I'm sorry"  
  
"I'm one of the bachelors"  
  
"Oh, right, Name please"  
  
"Colonel Jack O'Neill, Two ll's"  
  
"Let me see O'Neill, O'Neill... Ah Dr.." Oh no "Janet" Noooo! "Frasier" Great! Just act natural  
  
"Know her do you?" Ah yes I hide it well.  
  
"No never met her" by the sceptical look on his face I can safely say that he doesn't believe me, maybe I should just go over there, to those drinks, and make myself comfortable.  
  
"Hey sir!" Now, she shows up.  
  
"Carter where the hell were you?"  
  
"Sorry sir I got held up"  
  
I think I'll just ignore and go to the drinks, ok doesn't look like it's going to happen she's following and I'm Sooo not getting drunk in front of her, I'd never live it down.  
  
"So when are you free?"  
  
What? "What?"  
  
"When are you free? I didn't buy you for nothing"  
  
She what? "Err carter, Frasier bought me" you have no idea how much I hate that, 'bought me' what am I a piece of meat?  
  
"No, well yeah, I told her I was going to be late so..."  
  
"So" what! I've got to make sure and really got to hear it.  
  
"So... I told her to buy you for me"  
  
Ah now I'm smiling  
  
"I'm free tomorrow"  
  
"19:00 Hours, I'll pick you up?"  
  
Not funny but still it makes me laugh  
  
"Sure see you then"  
  
"Bye sir"  
  
"Bye"  
  
I know I'm getting weird looks, I know I look like the cat that caught the canary... Carter hmmn... But I couldn't care less! 


	2. Waiting Is The Hardest Part

Title: Waiting is the hardest part  
  
Author: Snacky  
  
Email: SnkNJak@yahoo.com  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own, or even pretend to own Stargate or any of the characters, they belong to Gekko, MGM. So on and so forth. This Fic was made for entertainment purposes only; I get no money for any part of this.   
  
Rating: PG  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Summery: Sequel to Batcholor auction's arn't that bad, Jack waits for sam to arrive.  
  
Archive: Stargatesga, FF.net, SamandJack Gateworld.  
  
A/N: After being told to write a sequel many times I decided to do it *woof woof, yes master*.  
  
Please remember everyone Feedback is the writer's best friend!  
  
Waiting Is The Hardest Part  
  
Surprisingly having a bottle of Stella to settle your nerves doesn't work. I don't know who told me this but damn you! Now I'm just as nervous and now have beer breath, great carter will think I'm an alcoholic. Maybe I should go brush my teeth... Again.  
  
18.50, ten minutes left until she gets here and I need a... um, oh mirror need to go to the mirror again.  
  
So I look, I look very... I look... nice? No, I look, like a complete and utter tit! What was I thinking wearing a suit, suit's suit everyone apart from me, Suits just don't suit me. How many times can I say the same word in the same sentence? Never mind concentrate.   
  
Maybe I should go casual? Professional maybe, maybe... maybe I should just go in a pair of socks!. Who knows what I should be wearing, well except carter and she could of given me hint on what to wear. God, I can just imagine her face now if I opened the door and she found me in my last idea.  
  
18.52, eight minutes to go and I've still got to find something to wear, I know! I'll call Daniel; he'll know what to do!  
  
"Be in, be in, be in, be in."  
  
"Hello"  
  
"Hey, It's Jack"  
  
"Jack? What do you want?"  
  
"Do I have to want something to ring?"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"Well I don't want anything; I just wanted to talk"  
  
"Come on Jack just tell me"  
  
"Fine, but I don't always want something you know, I called you yesterday for nothing didn't I?"  
  
"That doesn't count Jack, you were bored"  
  
"Yes but I didn't want anything, did I?"  
  
"No...Ok fine"  
  
"And remember last week"  
  
"JACK!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Just ask already I really don't have time"  
  
"Why, what you doing?"  
  
"Jack..."  
  
"No tell me, then I'll tell you what I want then I'll let you go, sound fair?"  
  
"Not really no"  
  
"So..."  
  
"Fine! I have a date"  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Don't sound so surprised"  
  
"Sorry, who with?"  
  
"......"  
  
"Daniel? Who with?"  
  
"Janet"  
  
"Pfft, ha ha"  
  
"OI"  
  
"Sorry, Sorry"  
  
"No you're not!"  
  
"I know...How does everybody know?"  
  
"Know what?"  
  
"When I'm not sorry?"  
  
"It's obvious, anyway why did you call?"  
  
"Ah yes, wait why are you going out with Janet?"  
  
"The auction"  
  
"Oh...so"  
  
"Seriously jack, I WILL, hang up"  
  
"Ok Jeeze, I um want to know what to wear for a date"  
  
"A date?"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"Who with?"  
  
"Sam"  
  
"Sam, as in our Sam, Sam?"  
  
"Yes... I think?"  
  
"As in Sam Carter, who we work with, Sam?"  
  
"Yes! How many other Sam's do you know!"  
  
"None... Surprising really given how many people we work with"  
  
"Daniel come on I don't have time"  
  
"Oh you don't like it now the shoe is on the other foot?"  
  
"Shoe?... Never mind she could be here any minute"  
  
"Well where are you going?"  
  
"I don't know she wouldn't tell me"  
  
"Knowing Sam I'd say you should dress smart"  
  
"I'm wearing a suit at the moment"  
  
"Yes, wear that!"  
  
"I knew I should have called T"  
  
"Then why didn't you?"  
  
"I, Crap!"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"No sorry gotta go Carter's here!"  
  
Opps maybe I should of waited for him to say bye before I slammed the phone down. Never mind got to go let Carter in.  
  
Door key! Where are you? Ah ha, now open the door!  
  
"Oh My God!"  
  
A/N. Yes I know evil but I already have an idea for the next part so I will try and get it done as soon as possible. 


	3. Thing's don't always go as planned

Title: Things don't always go as planned.

Author: llieno

Email:

Summary: The final part to BAATB. It's only natural he wants to be there with her.

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate or any of its characters I'm only borrowing them. I don't make any profit from this Fic. I don't own the song it's only natural that belongs to crowded house.

Authors Notes: The end and beginning are always the hardest part. It's done, I wont be doing another sequel - it took long enough to finish this part. Hope you enjoy and remember to feedback please. You know what I always say - feedback is the author's best friend!

****

Things don't always go as planned

You're staring! I know I'm staring! She's looking at you say something quick.

"Uh, um, uh" Oh yes very clever anything else you would like to add to that? "Um" - Brilliant!

"Hi Sir" At least one of us has some brain power...

"Hey" opps, very high pitched, she's starting to stare now. Say something! Anything! no. Scratch that... Say something legible, we don't want a repeat of the 'uh, um, uh' brain-dead Pratt now do we?

What can I say?

My god does she look does she look good - that's it! for once your staring is going to help you!

"You look nice Carter" oh thank god I thought she was going to slap me soon. At least she's smiling, her beautiful... NO! no more staring, do you want to get slapped man?!

"You look nice to, new suit?"

"This old thing?" No way am I telling her I bought this, this morning just for this date and will probably never wear again.

"So you want to get going, I booked reservations and were going to be late soon"

"Oh yes of course, I'll Just lock up" How long was I staring? When she's not looking check your watch, perfect she's getting the car. 8.10!!! Ten minutes I was staring for ten minutes. Never mind just get in the car.

Must she walk so... prerogativly? What is wrong with me today? I can't seem to do anything but stare. On the plus side - the thing that _is _occupying so much of my brain power is defiantly worth it. If I had to be staring at anything I'm so glad I'm staring at... Bad Colonel - Eye's up!

Just open the door and you'll be home free. Ah, she's in, I'm in... home. Free. My. Ass! It's got to be at least 90 degrees in here!

"A little hot isn't it?" She looks confused, maybe it's just you? That's great carter. Ignore me and start your car... that won't make it warmer in here.

Silence. How I hate thee. What is wrong with me today? I finally get a 'date' with Sam and I freeze up. I can be really stupid sometimes... of course I froze up. I'm on a DATE _with Carter._

Maybe I should suggest she put the radio on, the silence is unbearable. You have to think of something to say. She has the excuse of concentrating on the road. Let's see 'you look nice' no already used that one um, how about 'Did you have a good time at work?' no can't use that, you work with the woman, idiot, you know what her day was like! Ok what about 'where are we going?' anything wrong with that one? Nope, go for it.

"So Carter, Where are we going?

"A restaurant" Do you want to make me bald as well as grey Carter? I'll try again.

"Funny! Seriously which restaurant?"

"You'll find out shortly, don't be inpatient" Fine I'll sit here quietly then. Silence. Great I'm back were I was when we started driving. Wait What's that noise? Her phone's ringing, is she trying to ignore it or is she deaf? Should I tell her? It might be important! Tell her.

"Sam?"

"Yea?"

"Your phone's ringing"

"Phone? Oh yes" ok were was she just then, do I really want her to be driving?!

"Hello? General what can I do for you?" What does he want?

"Right now?" Please don't make us come in, Please don't make us come in. Opps she's staring again, she must have seen me crossing my fingers and looking up to the roof of the car.

"Ok I'll be right there" damn!

"He's here, want me to pass him the phone?" What? Oi!

"Ok I'll tell him, bye"

"Tell me what?" Opps calm down; snapping at her will only make things worse.

"The Tok'ra need our help" No, Anyone but them.

"Why couldn't SG5 do it? There free, right?"

"Yes but they insisted they needed SG-1" At least I'm not the only one who looks annoyed right now.

"Why?"

"I don't know the general never told me"

"Oh" Those Tok'ra have it in for me I swear!

"Who you calling?" I can't help it, I'm nosey.

"The Lyndon" Where? OH, restaurant, of course... maybe we could invite those pesky Tok'ra, have a little fried snake?

"Ah, so that's were we were going, very classy" Don't think she heard me. Sigh.

"Hi, This is Samantha Carter, I have reservations with you for 8.30, and I'm going to have to cancel...Thank you, Bye"

Well it was nice while it lasted. So now we have to get back to reality, Back to the SGC. Wait a sec...

"Were going strait there now?"

"Yes"

"But I can't, Not dressed like this"

"It's not as if I want to go wearing this"

"Yea but you look gorgeous I just look like a Prat" why is she looking at me again? Please Sam, keep your eyes on the road!

"Thank you Sir, and you don't look like a Prat, you look like rather handsome actually"

She thinks I look handsome? Where did the Prat come from? Did I say the gorgeous thing out loud? God, is it hot in here? well, hotter? already established that it's hot.

"Are you all right sir? You look flushed"

"Fine, Just fine, A tad warm that's all, You don't mind if I remove my jacket do you?"

"No that's fine"

"Can I put the radio on?"

"Sure"

Ergh! Pop, change the station before you have to tear out your ears. Much better, news.

Why the hell would Carter be listening to teenage pop music?

She probarly had Cassie in the car yesterday.

"Pop music Carter?"

"You don't like it?" She's joking, right? Relax she's laughing. Just smile like that comment didn't scare you. She's buying it - Kind of.

"What do you think they want?"

"Don't know Sir"

"Guess"

"They decided Daniel holds the key to the universe and need to run tests on him" How. Did she keep a strait face saying that? Ok so it wasn't particularly funny but it sure as hell made me laugh.

"Why Daniel?"

"Because Daniel swiped my last chocolate bar"

"Ah, defiantly a reason for torture"

Another lovely smile before she goes back to looking at the road. I think I'm becoming a little numb to the fact that she isn't even looking towards the road whilst she is driving. Maybe when you are that smart you don't need to?

I can see the base. Why can't I just stay in this boiling car with her? I don't car if I turn into a prune. It hot, it's stuffy, I'm sweating profusely and I'm sure i'm going to be poached soon but I don't care because right now I feel like I could stay here forever.

Too late, I have to get out. Have to greet the annoying private on gate duty and get into the elevator that dread to step in. I hate elevators. I've never been keen on the damn things. If you get in one with someone you hate or worse some one you don't like that insists on talking to you then, your stuck with them for ages, not just seconds I'm talking minutes. It might not seem much but you try being stuck in a confided space with someone you hate!

Luckily this time I'm trapped in the confinded space with my favourite Major. This always make the time more pleasurable. Sure we never seem to speak but I don't care. Now I just have to wait for those doors to open and the whole base to get a good luck at their lovable Colonel in his best and only suit.

Here we go. Hmmn now this is strange, Hammond is waiting for us.

"Colonel, major, I was just about to contact you when I was informed you had just arrived"

"What's up general?"

"The Tok'ra wanted SG-1 as they wanted Dr. Jackson's expertise, unfortunately he is unavailable so they have taken Dr. Fieldman and SG-5, I'm sorry I had to drag you out here"

"That's all right General" Alright! All right!

"See you tomorrow"

"Yes bye Sir" Well Carter replied, I don't think it's nesicary for us both to reply. He's walked off anyway, shame.

"Are you psycic?"

"Sir?"

"Does Daniel really hold the key to the universe?"

I don't think she got it. No. Wait, there we go, it clicked and have I mentioned before how much I love that smile?

"I guess you need a lift then Sir?"

"No"

"Why, are you staying here?"

"Yep and your staying with me"

"I am?"

"Yep, would you care to join me for lunch in the commissary, M'lady?"

"Cake afterwards?"

"Of course"

"Then lead on" I was never one to refuse a lady, especially not this one.

* * *

After (looks at watch) over ten months I have finnaly revised the last chapter.

(wipes brow) phew, thank god for that...

Hopefully that is better now.

I will put the original in the next link if anybody would like to see what I changed... If you do please let me know if you think it is better now.


	4. Quick note

Quick note:

The Next chapter (for those of you that didn't catch it before hand) is the third chapter that was made back in January. The one you have just read is the revised version.

Don't mean to confuse anyone but I have been wanting to redo the third chapter since I made it and never go around to it.

Sure most of my Fic's I have made since this one (I think) are much better but this one has always stuck in my mind and I knew it needed to be done.

Happy Ficcing!

llieno - My new name! what could be simpler :D


	5. Thing's don't always go as planned first...

Title: **Things don't always go as planned.**  
Author: Snacky  
Email: onlinefishin yahoo co uk

Summary: The final part to BAATB. It's only natural he wants to be there with her.Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate or any of its characters I'm only borrowing them. I don't make any profit from this Fic. I don't own the song it's only natural that belongs to crowded house.Authors Notes: The end and beginning are always the hardest part. It's done, I wont be doing another sequel - it took long enough to finish this part. Hope you enjoy and remember to feedback please. You know what I always say - feedbacks the author's best friend!

* * *

You're staring! I know I'm staring! She's looking at you say something quick.  
  
"Uh, um, uh" Oh yes very clever anything else you would like to add to that?  
  
"Um"  
  
"Hi Sir"  
  
"Hey" opps very high pitched, she's starting to stare now and doing a very good impression of myself now I'll bet!  
  
"You look nice Carter" oh thank god I thought she was going to slap me soon.  
  
"You look nice to, new suit?"  
  
"This old thing?" No way am I telling her I bought this, this morning just for this date and will probably never wear again.  
  
"So you want to get going, I booked reservations and were going to be late soon"  
  
"Oh yes of course, I'll Just lock up" How long was I staring? When she's not looking check your watch, perfect she's getting the car. 8.10!!! Ten minutes I was staring for ten minutes. Never mind just get in the car.  
  
Dum, Di, Dum... maybe I should suggest she put the radio on, the silence is unbearable. You have to think of something to say, She has the excuse of concentrating on the road. Let's see 'you look nice' no already used that one um, how about 'Did you have a good time at work?' no can't use that, you work with the woman, idiot, you know what her day was like! Ok what about 'where are we going?' anything wrong with that one? Nope, go for it.  
  
"So Carter, Where are we going?  
  
"A restaurant"  
  
"Funny! Seriously which restaurant?"  
  
"You'll find out shortly, don't be inpatient" Fine I'll sit here quietly then. Dum, Di, Dum, great I'm back were I was when we started driving. Wait What's that noise? Her phone's ringing, is she trying to ignore it or is she deaf? Should I tell her? It might be important! Tell her.  
  
"Sam?"  
  
"Yea?"  
  
"Your phone's ringing"  
  
"Phone? Oh yes" ok were was she just then, do I really want her to be driving?!  
  
"Hello? General what can I do for you?" What does he want?  
  
"Right now?" Please don't make us come in, Please don't make us come in. Opps she's staring again, she must have seen me crossing my fingers and looking up to the roof of the car.  
  
"Ok I'll be right there" damn!  
  
"He's here, want me to pass him the phone?" What? Oi!  
  
"Ok I'll tell him, bye"  
  
"Tell me what?" Opps calm down; snapping at her will only make things worse.  
  
"The Tok'ra need our help"  
  
"Why couldn't SG5 do it? There free, right?"  
  
"Yes but they insisted they needed SG-1"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I don't know the general never told me"  
  
"Oh" Those Tok'ra have it in for me I swear!  
  
"Who you calling?"  
  
"The Lyndon"  
  
"Ah, so that's were we were going, very classy"  
  
"Hi, This is Samantha Carter, I have reservations with you for 8.30, and I'm going to have to cancel...Thank you, Bye"  
  
Well it was nice while it lasted. So now we have to get back to reality, Back to the SGC. Wait a sec...  
  
"Were going strait there now?"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"But I can't, Not dressed like this"  
  
"It's not as if I want to go wearing this"  
  
"Yea but you look gorgeous I just look like a prat" why is she looking at me again? Please Sam, keep your eyes on the road!  
  
"Thank you Sir, and you don't look like a prat, you look like rather handsome actually"  
  
She thinks I look handsome? Where did the prat come from? Did I say the gorgeous thing out loud? God, is it hot in here?"  
  
"Are you all right sir? You look flushed"  
  
"Fine, Just fine, A tad warm that's all, You don't mind if I remove my jacket do you?"  
  
"No that's fine"  
  
"Can I put the radio on?"  
  
"Sure"  
  
#That was Glow by Alien Ant Farm, now here's it's only natural by crowded house, Enjoy!#  
  
#Ice will melt, Water will boil#  
#You and I can shake off this mortal coil#  
#It's bigger than us#  
#You don't have to worry about it#  
#Ready or not here comes the drop#  
#You feel lucky when you know where you are#  
#It's gonna come true#  
#Here in your arms I remember#  
  
Great our date gets cancelled, I have to see the Tok'ra, I'm thinking out loud and now the song that reminds me of Sam is playing while stuck in a car with her and now it's to late to turn it over!  
  
#It's only natural that I should want to#  
#Be there with you #  
#It's only natural that you should#  
#feel the same way too#  
  
#It's easy when you don't try#  
#Going on first impressions#  
#Man in a cage has made his confession#  
#You've seen me at my worst#  
#And it won't be the last time I'm down there#  
#I want you to know I feel completely at ease#  
#Read me like a book#  
#That's fallen down between your knees#  
#Please let me have my way with you#  
  
I can see the base. I'm saved! Now all I have to do is go see those pesky Tok'ra.  
  
Anyone want to know one of the worst parts about this base? The elevators, yep the elevators, granted I've never been keen on the damn things anyway. If you get in one with someone you hate or worse some one you don't like that insist on talking to you then, your stuck with them for ages, not just  
seconds I'm talking minutes. It might not seem much but you try being stuck in a confided space with someone you hate!  
  
Here we go. Hmmn now this is strange, Hammond is waiting for us.  
  
"Colonel, major, I was just about to contact you when I was informed you had just arrived"  
  
"What's up general?"  
  
"The Tok'ra wanted SG-1 as they wanted Dr. Jackson's expertise, unfortunatly he is unavailable so they have taken Dr. Fieldman and SG-5, I'm sorry I had to drag you out here"  
  
"That's all right General" Alright! All right!  
  
"I guess you need a lift then Sir?"  
  
"No"  
  
"Why, are you staying here?"  
  
"Yep and your staying with me"  
  
"I am?"  
  
"Yep, would you care to join me for lunch in the commissary, M'lady?"  
  
"Cake afterwards?"  
  
"Of course"  
  
"Then lead on" I was never one to refuse a lady, especially not this one. 


End file.
